Memorized Mess

Memorized Mess

by | Jul 11, 2019

“I’ve memorized my mess.”

My daughter speaks these words as I step between the safe spaces on her floor.

Inside her bedroom lies many things which create the mess she’s memorized.

“I want to forget my mess.”

I think these words as I step over the unsafe places across my psyche.

Inside my mind lies many things which create the mess I’ve memorialized.

I often offer my mess to the page – except the darkest pieces are reserved for DV exclusively – except recently, some of these shades unsurfaced in unpleasant ways.

This happens when you show someone shades of what you really look like.


Walls can be built. And then the walls can be connected. And then a maze can be made.

But when you construct mental constructs, one must know how to navigate the labyrinth. Otherwise, one can get lost when traversing the innerverse.

So maybe it makes sense to memorize the messes.

They are certainly easier to dissect when you know where to find them.

And they are (in)definitely easier to share when you want to unravel them.

Because when you forget where you place the messes, it becomes quite challenging to exit the observation game.

Let’s play:

I see myself existing in an infinite space.

Inside this place is darkness surrounded by color – except these vibrant beings cannot penetrate the black.

But they knock.

The invisible wall vibrates.

I shrink.

They inquire.

I dissolve.

They chase.

I run.

They reverberate.

I hide.

I cry.

Because what if they disappeared?

What would I do if there was nothing but me, myself, and I inside the void?

The page would go blank.

This would not be a healthy creation process – so I refuse to continue to dwell in darkness.

Ha, my words often feel pretentious – but this expression is my exclamation for the good riddance of what’s no longer hidden.

Are these thoughts for you?

For me?


I see.

You see.

We all seek to see.

And this is why I continue to offer glimpses into purified streams of consciousness.

This is what I offer as witness to my hot mess.

Farewell and God bless.